


Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn

by ISolemlySwear



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abused Sirius Black, And there will be appropriate warnings at the top of each chapter, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, But it's in later chapters, But they love each other and they're trying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Explicit Consent, Fenrir Greyback kidnapped Remus as a child, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, In a way, Kidnapped Remus Lupin, M/M, Navigating relationships with PTSD and triggers can be really hard, None of this is fully on-screen but there are some relatively graphic flashbacks, OK sorry for the long tags I'm done now, PTSD Triggers, Past Child Abuse, Past Kidnapping, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Safe words being respected, The non con and abuse are from past traumas, They do acknowledge it and try to deal with it as best as possible?, Trauma, Trauma Recovery, anyway proceed with caution, but in the past, but it's not meant to be super explicit, but too much?, fight or flight response, it's not "all fine" but they're working on it and healing, kind of?, so 16 or 17, the underage tag is bc it shows them exploring sex while at hogwarts, there's one dubious consent moment between Sirius and Remus, this isn't smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:00:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28725489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ISolemlySwear/pseuds/ISolemlySwear
Summary: When faced with traumatic injury or danger, the brain turns to an instictual response of Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn. When you have PTSD, that is what happens when you get tiggered. Remus and Sirius attempt to navigate a relationship around both of their traumas and triggers. Each chapter is a one-shot of what happens when one of them gets triggered.
Relationships: Minor James Potter/Lily Evans - Relationship, Remus Lupin & James Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 69





	1. Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius wakes up from a PTSD nightmare to find out he inadvertedly hit Remus when his fight response kicked in. Sirius feels guilty, Remus is too worried about him to even think of himself and they try to figure out what happened and what to do now (Sirius' POV). Be warned: not all the problems are solved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings specific for this chapter: Physical abuse, discussion of parent abuse, discussion of relationship abuse (maybe a bit more than just discussion depending on how you see it), blood and minor injury.

**Fight**

  
_"The body's natural survival mechnism for self-preservation, in the mid-brain or emotional brain, will trigger the Nervous System Response, commonly known as Fight or Flight Response, when there's a traumatic injury ot threat, be that physical, psychologial or emotional [all processed in the same area of the brain]. This Nervous System Response can actually manifest itself in four possible mechanisms: fight, flight, freeze or fawn."_ \- Pete Walker, M.A. Psychoterapy, MFT

Sirius has no idea what happened. He remembers fear, sheer terror gripping his heart, and the feeling of someone towering over him. He remembers feeling powerless, desperate. Then, a scream to his right and blinding lights and he can do nothing more than recoil into his mattress and brace himself for the pain.  
The pain doesn't come.

"What the- Moony!" James' voice makes it through the fog in Sirius' brain- but that doesn't make any sense, because when did James get into his house? No, James is part of his other life, his Hogwarts life, where he's not woken in the middle of the night by anger and violence and this towering presence above him, where everything's not clouded by this layer of fear and uncertainty because no matter what he does, he always ends up right here. James isn't a part of that, because James is safe, unlike… unlike this.

"Shit, what happened?" That's Peter. Peter, who's also not part of his home life. Nothing makes sense and Sirius has no idea what's going on - of course, he's used to not understanding and he's learned that the best he can do is just shut up and grit his teeth through the pain, but this time there is no pain and as much as he knows he should stay still and count this as a win, he can't stand not knowing what's happening and what's going to happen next.  
He opens his eyes.

The first thing he notices is red; there's red all around him. He's leaning against something that isn't supposed to be there, his bed isn't where it's supposed to be; the room is all wrong… the colors are wrong, it's too big, the walls aren't the same… He takes in the details like pieces of a puzzle: the red curtains, half-open in front of him, the old stones in the structure, the wall behind him, the three other beds with their own sets of crimson curtains… You're at Hogwarts, something at the back of his brain provides. It takes him a second, to process that thought, and, then, just as he's adjusting and the tightness in his chest starts to loosen up, his eyes fall to the figure on the floor. Well, figures. But Sirius only has eyes to the curly-haired boy clutching his nose with one hand and trying to keep up an unstable balance with the other. _Oh, God, Remus._

"I'm fine," Moony's voice comes out funny, nasal. James and Peter are both kneeling next to him, which means Sirius can't get a good look at him, can't see what's wrong.

"I just-"

"You're bleeding!" Wormtail interrupts him and Sirius feels his stomach churn.

"Well, gee, thanks for telling me, Wormy, I hadn't noticed," at least Remus is being sarcastic, it can't be that bad if he's still being sarcastic, right?

"Let me see," James says it more like an order than a request.

"Uh... I don't think it's a good idea to take my hand off right now," Moony answers.

"I'll just go to the bathroom and clean it up." He makes to stand up, but Sirius was right about his balance not being great, because he sways so much he might have fallen if James and Peter weren't there to hold him.

"Woah, take it easy, Moony," James warns, holding his friend upright.

"What the hell happened?" Peter asks, agitated in that Peter way of his.

"Uh, I…" Remus sounds confused and his eyes search the room almost frantically.

"I… It doesn't matter, just-" And then Remus' eyes meet Sirius' and time stops. The curly-haired boy lets out a sigh and takes a wobbly step towards him. "Are you okay?" His voice is impossibly soft, but that doesn't make sense at all because Remus is the one bleeding. "Pads…" Remus starts again, sounding more worried, and it's only then that Sirius really understands he's being talked to, that he's here and Remus is in front of him asking him a question and he has to answer because that's what you do when your boyfriend asks you a question, and yet… And yet he doesn't move.

"Wait, did he-?" Wormtail asks, but Sirius can't make sense of the unfinished question, can't seem to understand what's happening... Did he what?  
Remus hesitates, gaze still fixed on Sirius like it's stuck, a flurry of emotion in those eyes; emotions Sirius can't understand.

"Oh my God!" Peter starts.

"No!" Moony cuts him off immediately, shaking his head which turns out to be a bad idea, because it makes him sway sideways.

James holds on tighter to Remus' arm and declares: "We have to go to the Hospital Wing," which sounds like a very good idea, especially when someone's hurt and it sounds like something Sirius should do right now, that he should go to the Hospital Wing with Moony- but he doesn't move. Not even when Remus, under protest, is guided to the door and away from him. Not even when his friends all leave, to take his boyfriend - _bleeding, hurting_ \- to the Hospital. Not even then can Sirius find it in himself to move.

So he's left alone in the red room.

Sirius presses his back to the stone wall behind him and tries to convince himself he's really here and this is all real. He still can't bring himself to move from his crouched position, hugging his legs close to his body in order to protect his stomach, hands ready to come up and shield his face if needed. Instead, he runs his eyes through the red things around him: the curtains around the bed, the poster on the wall, the rug, the bed covers, the window curtains, the scarf half laying on one of the other beds and half on the floor… These are all the things from a Gryffindor room, like his dorm, at Hogwarts, where he is.

A weight lifts from his chest when that finally sinks in. He still doesn't feel very prone to moving, but at least he's better. Better enough to actually understand that when he woke up, Remus was half-sitting half-lying on the floor next to Sirius' bed, with a bloody nose. And that that is not okay. At all. He has to tell himself that James is taking care of this, that Remus is in the Infirmary and that Mme. Pomfrey will be taking care of him by now, and only then can Sirius push through the worry to be able to think. Think about what happened. Because he remembers going to bed with Remus. He remembers getting to the dorm after a long, cranky, day, and in just one look Remus was there, in his bed, under his cover and within his arms, and only then did Sirius manage to fall asleep. But that doesn't explain how Remus ended up with a bloody nose. He surely didn't do it to himself. Sirius knows what happened before he can really allow himself to think it; it all makes sense, when he puts it together, the way Moony kept looking at him, why Wormtail was so appalled, why Prongs couldn't get Remus out of the room any faster, why Sirius felt so weird and scared and defensive, why his boyfriend woke up with a bloody nose after they'd gone to bed together… Sirius hit him. _Sirius hit_ _Remus._

He feels a lot like opening the window and jumping right out of it. He might have, even, if the window wasn't so far away and that overbearing chill wasn't still there, holding control over every muscle in his body. How could he have done it? He hurt Moony, his Moony, the man he loved, who always treated him with nothing but kindness, his boyfriend- Oh God, he hit his boyfriend. What kind of a person hits his boyfriend? Fuck. Sirius had punched his boyfriend square in the nose, hard enough to make it bleed, and, holy shit, what if he'd broken it? Fuck, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if he broke it or not, it doesn't matter how strongly he hit him because, shit, he knows what kind of a person hits their boyfriend and that's an abuser. Sirius did that. Sirius hit his boyfriend, his Moony. He attacked him, he hurt him, he abused him. _But I didn't mean_ \- Sirius cuts that thought off as soon as it starts to form; he feels like punching himself for even thinking it. It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter one bit what he was thinking or why he did it or whether he meant it or not, because there's no excuse, there's never an excuse for abusing someone. And that's what he did. Sirius is an abuser. He's an abuser just like his father, who hits the people he's supposed to love the most and then makes up excuses for it and, fuck, he's his father, which is the most terrifying thought in the world, because to think that Sirius could (has) hurt people (fuck, not just people, Monny, his Moony, his amazing, incredible _Moony_ ) like his father hurt him-

"Padfoot," the word makes him flinch, even though that makes no sense, because no one who calls him ‘Padfoot’ would ever hurt him. Sirius blinks, makes an effort to push the fog out of his head, to listen, to pay attention, to see the person that is now sitting on the edge of his bed like they teleported there because Sirius didn’t see anyone come into the room.

It’s Prongs, whose face is walled off in a way that has never before been with Sirius. But, then again, he has never before fucked up this badly. When Prongs opens his mouth to say something, Sirius gives it his everything to listen, to pay attention, to be there, because that's the least he can do. "Pads, I don't know what the fuck is going on, but Moony wouldn't go into the Hospital Wing until I promised to come here and tell you it wasn't your fault. So…. here I am." Sirius doesn't fail to notice that James didn't actually say it wasn't his fault, though.

"I hit him?" Sirius croaks out even though using his voice is hard and weird, and he's asking, but he's not really, because even though he doesn't remember, he knows it happened like he knows his own name.

"Yeah, but for whatever reason he doesn't blame you and he's more worried about you than he is about himself," there's an edge to James' voice, like maybe he doesn't agree, like maybe he's angry and wants to punch Sirius' lights out but is trying to hold back and it makes Sirius' hands come up just a tiny bit, instinctually, and his heart races all of a sudden. He's pretty good at hiding it, though (he's had to be).

Sirius is almost afraid to ask, still the question slips past his lips anyway: "Do you hate me?"

James takes his time to answer, and with every second that goes by, it feels like Sirius' heart is slowly being ripped out of his chest.

"I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt," he says finally, jaw clenched.

"Because I really don't know what happened and I know you'd never want to hurt Moony, but... damn, Sirius, you hit him." I know, Sirius wants to say, I'm a monster, you should hate me. No words come out, though. James sighs. "But whatever happened, he's the one in the Hospital Wing and he wants to see you, so you gotta swallow whatever your feelings are right now and go see him."

Sirius nods, because James is right, his feelings don't matter, the way his heart is racing impossibly fast and he’s still afraid, terrified, for no reason that he can make sense of, none of that matters. He hurt Remus and now what he has to do (the only thing he can do) is forget about himself, stop being a selfish, spoiled brat for a fucking second, and do whatever he can to help Moony. So he untangles himself from the sheets and, unable to meet James' eyes, follows him through the corridors to the Hospital Wing.

Remus is sitting on one of the beds, head laid back, a tissue pressed tightly against his nose. Blood stains the front of his shirt and the sight is almost physically painful for Sirius, but it doesn't matter because this isn't about him and he deserves to be in pain after what he did.

"Pads!" Remus seems surprised to see him.

"Head leaned back, Mr. Lupin," Mme. Pomfrey reminds, coming into sight as she brings a bag of supplies over to the bedside table, since Remus had lowered his eyes to look at Sirius.

Sirius feels like he has to say something, wants to, owes it to Remus. It takes him a second, to find his voice: “I-“ it comes out almost inaudible, and Sirius has to clear his throat and try again: “I can leave, if you…" he offers, unable to complete the sentence.

"No!" Remus answers hastily, Pomfrey's pushing his head back so he can no longer look at Sirius. "Not- not if you don't want to," he seems to be stumbling over his words too.

 _No, I don't, I don't ever want to leave you, please don't make me leave you, please don't break up with me_ , is all Sirius can think, but, instead, acutely aware of Prongs' and Wormtail’s gazes burning holes into the side of his head, Sirius clears his throat and asks:

"What do you want?"

Remus takes a second, in which he seems to be trying to take a good look at Sirius, while still keeping his head back. Then, instead of answering, he lays his hand, palm up, on top of his knee, the familiar gesture of asking for Sirius to hold his hand. So Sirius does it, reveling in the feel of Moony's hand in his - then immediately kicks himself for feeling better, because he shouldn't be allowed to feel better while his boyfriend is still bleeding from the wound he inflicted.

"Alright Mr. Lupin, let's see that nose," Mme. Pomfrey says, being done with the supplies, and starts her examination, poking and prodding at Remus' nose to determine if it's broken. Sirius can’t look, can’t bear to see the blood, so, instead, cowardly, he fixes his gaze intently on their joined hands. Still, he hears every wince and pained gasp from Moony, and, with each one, Sirius feels like a huge iron hand is closing around his chest, squeezing tighter and tighter.

"It's not your fault," Remus whispers at some point as if he knows what Sirius is thinking.

Sirius looks up at him incredulously, but, before he can argue, Mme. Pomfrey declares:

"It's not broken. You just sit here for a while and the bleeding should stop soon. Keep your head back," she points a finger at him accusingly.

"Yes, M'am," Remus answers.

Then Mme. Pomfrey moves to another bed and the Marauders are left there, Remus' head laid back, one hand holding a tissue against his nose and the other clutching Sirius', Peter watching like he’s seriously plotting murder.

"Well, at least it's not broken," James tries to ease the tension.

"Yeah…" Sirius agrees, but it doesn't make a difference.

"Well, it's still bleeding," Wormtail's tone is accusatory and Sirius can do nothing but stare at his feet. He feels a tug at the hand that's still resting over Moony's knee, knows he's supposed to look up, but can't bring himself to see Remus' bloody face.

"Pads, it wasn't your fault."

"Oh, no, you just happened to walk into his fist," Peter counters.

"Shut up, Wormy," Remus answers, still kindly, though. He’s being nothing but kind and soft and caring and Sirius finds it at the same time soothing and nerve-wracking.

"He's not wrong…" Sirius has to agree.

"Pads, you're gonna have to look up at me here because I don't think I can bend my head to catch your eye like that," this finally gets Sirius to look up, and his eyes go straight to Remus', trying desperately to avoid seeing the blood. "It wasn't your fault," Remus repeats, more forcefully now. "You were scared, I tried to shake you away and I only managed to scare you more, it was my mistake."

"Moony, I punched you!"

"And I scared you. Call it even?"

Sirius wants to disagree, but he can't argue with those eyes, even if they can only half meet him, what with the head-leaning-back thing, so instead he nods. He can feel the weight of Peter and James’ disapproval, but none of the four say anything else while they’re in the Hospital Wing.

***

It's only later, once Remus' nose stops bleeding and it's confirmed it really isn't broken (much to Sirius' relief), that the two of them get to have a proper conversation. They're nestled in Sirius' bed, curtains drawn. Remus convinced Peter and James that everything was alright and it was just a misunderstanding, so, yes, it was okay to leave them alone, and, no, Wormtail, I don't appreciate being treated like I can't defend myself! So now they each sip their respective teas and try to talk.

"I'm really sorry…" is the first thing Sirius can manage to say, staring at the cup in his hands.

"It's okay," Remus answers.

"It's really not," Sirius looks up then. "I hit you, Remus."

"You didn't mean-"

"It doesn't matter!" Sirius cuts him off. "It doesn't matter if I meant it or whatever the circumstances were because there's never an excuse to hurt - to hit - a boyfriend. You can't just brush that away, Moony, because I hit you," his voice is a little choked now, but he sees the shift in Remus's eyes, that he finally gets it, and shuts up before the tears come and he makes this worse. This time, instead of answering right away, Remus takes a second to think and sips his tea.

"Alright, so maybe it's not okay," he concedes. "It's not okay that you hurt me, but I can still recognize that you didn't do it with full soundness of mind." Sirius opens his mouth to argue, but Remus doesn't let him. "No, listen. You were having a nightmare. You were half-asleep and pretty distressed, I don't think you even realized who I was." Sirius is still not convinced, and Remus can probably tell, because he goes on. "You felt threatened and you reacted with a fight or flight response - in this case, fight. That's not the same as you just hitting me in a different situation, and I've agreed with you that it can't be okay no matter what, but I also refuse to blame you for the instinctual response your brain has to feeling in danger."

Sirius nods, because even though he's still not fully convinced, it makes sense (and there's a small, petty part of him that just desperately wants Remus to forgive him).

"What was the nightmare about?" Remus asks gently.

"I don't… I don't remember…" Even as he says it, though, Sirius knows that's not the whole truth, so, licking his lips nervously, he adds, "I just know my father was in it."  
Remus sighs, sad, but unsurprised. "Come here," he extends his hand and, when Sirius takes it, pulls him into a hug. Sirius basks in the smell of Remus, the feeling of being enveloped in his arms - Remus who doesn't hate him, Remus who won't leave him no matter how fucked up he is - and, for the first time that evening, feels safe.

"I'm really sorry I hit you," Sirius mumbles into Remus' shirt (a clean one he'd changed into when he came back to the dorm).

"I'm really sorry for making you feel unsafe," Remus says in return, tracing patterns against Sirius's back.

It's still not okay that Sirius hit him, and maybe it's still not okay that his father scares him so much he felt he had to use his fists, but, right then and there, the two of them, Remus and Sirius, they are okay.


	2. Flight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Remus are talking in the library, and then talking turns to kissing. When Sirius presses Remus against a bookcase, it triggers an old feeling of being trapped from when Remus was with Greyback, and suddenly he has to get out of there. (Remus' POV).
> 
> Sirius is very supportive, btw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs FOR THIS CHAPTER: Anxiety, Panic attack, implied/referenced kidnapping of a child (in the past), description of two characters making out, but it's pretty PG-13. Nothing too graphic here.
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to the guest who left a comment asking me to update yesterday, you gave me motivation to put this up (and I promise I'll try to get the rest of the chapters updated soon too). Thank you <3

**Flight**

_"Flight types appear as if their starter button is stuck in the "on" position."_

_\- Pete Walker, M.A. Psychoterapy, MFT_

_._

They're just teasing.

"So, who are you gonna take to the ball?" Sirius asks, leaning on the bookcase next to Remus. He had strutted into the library, all confidence and sexy grins, heading straight to Moony, and Remus is having a real hard time not kissing him.

"Oh, I don't know," Remus tries to sound casual, running his fingers over the bookcase and trying to remember what title he was looking for anyway, "I'm thinking probably Gid."

"Oh, really?" Pads isn't fazed, not even for a second. Instead, he raises an eyebrow and tries to catch Remus' eyes.

"Yeah, he's pretty hot, don't you think?" Remus gives up all pretense of looking for the book and leans on the bookcase himself, face to face with his gorgeous boyfriend.

"Maybe," Sirius does that thing in which he pretends to be thinking, leaning his head to the side and looking remarkably like a dog, and then a second later his mouth twists in a wicked grin, "but can Gid do this?" he breaches the distance between them and presses his lips to Remus.

"Hum, maybe…" Remus whispers, already breathless.

"Really?" Sirius is having way too much fun with this. "Then can he do this?" He leans in for another kiss, longer and deeper this time.

Every cell in Remus' body aches for Sirius, his hands coming up to the other's jaw as Sirius deepens the kiss and presses Remus against the bookcase- then all of a sudden, a cold shiver shoots up Remus' spine. He's breathless in a whole different way, his entire body alert, his heart racing, his eyes darting open. He doesn't even know what it is, what the hell is happening, just that it's there, all-encompassing and taking over him, and Sirius seems to interpret the new shift in his boyfriend as arousal; he presses closer, pushing Remus into the bookcase, towering over him even though that's impossible because Remus is taller. As Sirius' lips trace hungry kisses down Remus' neck, one thought, an instinct more than a complete sentence, makes its way through the racing buzz in Remus' mind: get out. Energy courses through his entire body, ready to explode, aching to be let out, to run, and, yet, at the same time, the feeling of being trapped makes its way through Remus' throat and threatens to suffocate him- Stop, the word comes to his mind, but it can't get through the fist-sized lump in his throat and there's so much adrenaline in his body he starts to shake and yet Sirius is still there, still pressing Remus’ back against the bookcase, hands on either side of him, so there's no escape, there’s no escape, and Remus is going to explode, he’s going to die, but then his hand moves almost of its own accord and taps Sirius’ forearm twice.

Sirius reacts immediately to their nonverbal safe word, as if he'd been burned, throwing himself away from Remus so violently he stumbles into the opposite bookshelf.

As soon as the weight's off of him and he's no longer trapped, Remus gets out of there, as far away from this situation, this place, this- Sirius, as he can, trying desperately to get air into his lungs. He runs blindly until the cold bite of fresh air hits his face, until he can tell himself he's not trapped, he's not in Fenrir's small, stuffy basement, he's free, he's out, he's not trapped, but if he's not trapped, then why the hell can't he seem to take a decent breath and why is his chest still burning and his legs still aching? Remus claws at his sweater, falling to his knees, gasping for breath and he feels like he's going to pass out.

"Breathe," a steady voice cuts through the fear and, even without recognising it, without even knowing if it's real, Remus knows one thing about that voice: that it's safe. "In… and out. In… and out. Focus on breathing, nothing else matters, just breathe with me." How can he say that when Remus is still trapped, when the world is closing in against him and he can never get away? "Just follow me: in… and out, and in… and out." Remus makes an effort to follow the rhythm, closing his eyes, trying to push down the panic, feeling the fresh air on his face.

Slowly, Remus weaves his way through the panic attack. When he's calmed down enough to look around, he realises he's at the front door of the school, on the floor, Sirius kneeling next to him. He shifts so he's no longer putting weight on his weak knees and leans his head back against the school wall, all energy suddenly seeping away from him.

"Okay?" Sirius asks. Remus can only nod. "I'm sorry." Remus wants to argue, but all he can do is shake his head. So they stay there, sitting side by side against the castle wall, the cold air reminding Remus that he's outside, he's free, he's alright, allowing his breathing to become increasingly steadier.

"I don't know what happened," Remus confesses when his voice comes back.

"It's okay," Sirius answers.

"It's not, you- you didn't do anything wrong!"

"It's okay, Remus," Sirius assures him.

So Remus nods and extends his hand to hold his boyfriend's. He's exhausted, not like he’s just ran a marathon but more, a bone-deep exhaustion like no other, but, at the same time, that energy, that restlessness, that need to move, to run, to get away, is somehow still there, and Remus doesn't know how to get rid of it. So he sits there, holding Sirius' hand in silence and just breathing, until long after the sun goes down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! If anyone notices anything I could/should do about the trigger warnings or to make any of this easier to read for those of you with triggers of your own, let me know.


	3. Freeze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are heating up between Sirius and Remus, and it's great until Remus' hand brushes against Sirius' neck and he's pushed into a flashback. Memories mix with reality as Sirius slips into a dissociative episode. Thank God Remus knows all of his favourite grounding techniques.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs FOR THIS CHAPTER: Dissociation, two characters making out (not as light as last chapter, but not really sexual), metion and some description of physical abuse and parental abuse, flashback to violence (choking) and some of it is described on-screen. It's also worth noting that although Remus does notice Sirius is not really there anymore and backs off (so nothing non concensual happens), since Sirius isn't able to send Remus any signals, it does take him a little while to understand what's happening.

**Freeze**

_"In a situation in which the brain has concluded that you can neither defeat the danger nor escape from it, the brain goes to a third response, to freeze, which is also identified as the dissociative response. If you can't make the assailant disappear, you're much better off "disappearing" yourself, by blocking out what's much too scary to take in." - Leon F. Seltzar, Ph.D., clinical psychologist._

_"_ _What some professionals call simply the freeze response, other break down into two responses: freeze and flop. The first one, is to freeze up, to become stiff, compared to the natural instinct of trying to hide from a predator's detection. Flop, on the other hand, is to become completely malleable like a ragdoll, compared to 'playing dead'." - Carolyn Spring, trauma therapist and author._

After that time in the library, they're very careful to have Remus always on top and Sirius isn't really complaining. There's a different kind of excitement in letting Remus take the lead and Sirius has never been this turned on. This time, they're lying in Remus' bed, late at night, with only the moonlight to illuminate the gorgeous figure of Remus on top of him, hair falling over his eyes, warm smile playing on his lips. Remus leans down for a kiss, a deep, wet kiss that has Sirius moaning a bit too loudly.

Remus chuckles, letting his head fall on Sirius' bare chest and mumbling "shhh" in the midst of a contained laugh because, really, this is like the third time they've broken apart because Sirius just can't keep quiet. "They're asleep," he whispers, talking about James and Peter.

"I know," Sirius complains, "but I can't help it when you're so hot."

That makes Remus laugh even harder, but Sirius is having none of it, so he guides Remus back up for another kiss, biting his lip gently, trying to get Remus to make a noise of his own, but instead Moony opens his mouth to deepen the kiss and all thoughts fall right out of Sirius' brain. When they come up for air Remus lays a kiss on Sirius' jaw, taking him by surprise, and then another kiss lands on the side of his neck where his pulse is, and Sirius decides it's a great surprise "You," Remus whispers, running his lips through the sensitive skin of Sirius' neck, his breath tickling pleasantly before laying another kiss, "should," and then another, near his Adam's apple, sends an electric current all over Sirius' body "really," one at the base of his neck and he has to bite down on his lip not to moan "stay," under his clavicle, "quiet," one just above his heart and Sirius sucks in a breath. Remus seems to take advantage of this, because he comes up then, to land a passionate kiss to Sirius' mouth.

And as he does so, his hand ends up resting on the side of Sirius' neck. Immediately, Sirius is yanked into another moment, another hand on his neck, in another position, squeezing tightly. He can feel the big, strong fingers squeezing the life out of him, the wall behind him the only thing holding him up, his own hands failing uselessly, desperately, his mind begging to breathe. Somewhere in his head he knows he's not there, that this isn't really happening, that the face in front of him, the figure inches from him, isn't his father's red fury, but he can't tell what it is, he can't see it, he can't reach it-! A new image reaches him, vaguely, like a third layer of reality being shoved on top of the others, in which he's watching from the ceiling, Remus' back moving, on top of a body, a boy, with long black hair; that's him, the boy, he knows it, but he doesn't really because it doesn't fully click; everything's foggy, the three realities mixing together so none of them is real and none of them is not-real, and he's left underwater, unable to figure this out. He feels Remus on top of him, Remus' mouth on his chest, the same chest that can't breathe, that can't move anymore because there is no air to make it move, lungs burning in agony, but the pain isn't all that real either, it's not as intense as it once was, as it should be, all-consuming and excruciating, because it's there, but it's not, because it's not happening, any of it, or maybe it is, maybe it's Sirius that's not happening, that's hallucinating and suffocating and dying and already dead.

Then the weight is gone from over him and Sirius feels like he's drifting even farther away from reality. His mind is slow, his words getting jumbled and he feels like he's been fighting a battle to stay afloat, to stay here, to stay conscious, and he's losing.

…

The cold runs through him like a shock, pulls him back. Sirius holds on to it, tries to feel for it. It's coming from his hand, his left hand, and it's not just cold, it's something else, it's… it's also… wet, it's also wet. Wet and cold. In his left hand. He's here, he's in his body, he has a body. He lets the sensation go up his left arm, regaining feeling of it, thinks of his chest, his neck, his head, then makes his way down, back to the shoulder, to the right arm, then down to his stomach and his legs. He thinks of it, imagines the cold spreading through all his body, bringing back feeling with it, and it doesn't fully work, but at least now he's aware that it's there, that he's there. He breathes deeply, a cold breath of air, and he can do that, he can breathe, because he's not dying, there's nothing on his neck, he can breathe, he can breathe.

The new sensation is coming from his left hand too. Pressure. One, two, three, release. One, two, three, pressure. Sirius focuses on it, does his best to follow the rhythm. One, two, three, release. One, two, three, pressure. He wants to squeeze back, he wants to follow the rhythm for real, he will squeeze back, but he can't, not just yet, not now, but thinking about it, visualizing, might be enough, convincing himself that he can do it. One, two, three, pressure, one, two, three, release, one, two, three, pressure, one, two, three, release, one, two, three, squeeze, one, two, three, let go, one, two, three, squeeze, one, two, three, let go. He times his breathing to the moving of his hand, lets that rhythm take over him, ground him in his body, in the here and now, in his bed, at Hogwarts, with the red surrounding him from every angle, with the cold air rushing over him, rushing into his lungs, coursing through is body, allowing him to breathe, because he can breathe, he can breathe, he's fine, he's at Hogwarts, he's safe, he's here, he's alright, there's nothing on his neck.

"…thirsty," he mumbles, even though his throat is impossibly dry and the words feel like lead in his mouth and his voice rings wrong in his ears.

"Okay, here" comes a soft voice and then the rhythm in his hand stops, the thing causing it - the hand causing it - makes to leave, and Sirius can't let that happen, he can't lose it, he can't lose that, because it's the only thing he has, it's the rope keeping him tied down and he needs it, so he squeezes and it breaks pattern and his footing is ready to give out, but then the hand is back and squeezing in the regular pattern again and everything is okay. Sirius breathes, breathes again, deep breaths, calming down.

And then there's a new sensation in his right hand. Cold and wet… it's the same thing from before, he realizes. And then his hand is being guided up and he looks down to find he's holding a water bottle, he's holding a water bottle, that's the cold, that's the wet, and there's another hand there, a hand that is darker than his own, that isn't his, and the hand is holding his around the water bottle, gently pushing upwards, and Sirius understands that it's trying to get him to raise the bottle, to take it to his lips, because that's what you do with a water bottle. He's thirsty. So he brings his hand up, and he can do it of his own accord, the other hand dropping, and he moves, he moves the body that is his even if it doesn't completely feel so, and he gets the hand to his mouth and the water bottle to his lips and he moves it like he's supposed to but no water comes out. He looks down, stares at the bottle trying to figure out what happened, what went wrong. The answer is there, in his head, trying to push its way through the muddled thoughts, trying to reach him. Something went wrong. He's staring at the water bottle and he knows there's something he has to do, but he just…

Finally, it clicks: the lid. He has to take the lid off. Right. He can do this. So he moves his right hand up the bottle, because he's not ready to give up the rhythm in his left hand, his anchor, and he uses his thumb to push up the plastic lid. He takes the bottle up to his lips again and for a second he's worried he's going to miss, because he doesn't fully feel his lips and his mouth and he should be able to see it, how is he going to get to his mouth if he can't see where it is? But he does, he gets to his mouth, and the water runs down his throat, calms the rasping dryness, soothes his heavy tongue. It's cold, and the cold spreads through him more completely, more entirely than before, and this time when he takes count of every part in his body, he can really feel them. His hands, his arms, his chest, his neck, his head, his abdomen, his left leg, his left foot, his right leg, his right foot. It's there, it's his, he's here. He feels the cold on his skin, really feels it, like sensations are supposed to be felt, and this time he doesn't have to think to take a deep, calming breath.

Sirius' eyes move to the left, to the side of the bed, to find Remus, Remus' face, his hair falling messily on his forehead, his eyes focused on Sirius, with that closed off look he gets when his feelings are too overwhelming, the big scar across his nose, the tiny scar on the edge of his lip, his mouth in a straight line; Remus' arms, resting on the bed, his right hand lodged easily within Sirius' left hand.

"Moony…" Sirius breathes out, unsure what to do now.

"Hey, Pads," Remus manages a soft smile and his left hand (the one that's not holding Sirius') comes up as if to touch Sirius' cheek. He doesn't finish the movement, though, just holds his hand there in the air, waiting for Sirius, who happily leans forward to feel the warm touch of Remus. Remus sighs, softly brushing his thumb against Sirius' cheek. A few seconds later, he puts his hand back down and asks: "How are you feeling?"

"I… I don't know," is the best Sirius can manage, but that's not right, he should know, how doesn't he know how he's fucking feeling?

"It's alright," it's like Moony can read his mind. "It's okay, Pads, take your time. You're safe here."

Sirius nods, eyes suddenly wet. So he sits there, holding Moony's hand, looking at him through the mist of tears that refuse to fall, and Remus stays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to make it clear: What happens in Sirius' head here is not only the process of the freeze response, it's also dissociation. Those two can come together, and they often do, but it's not necessary, they can both happen without the other.
> 
> Also, the techniques Remus uses to help Sirius (opening a window, the water bottle thing, the hand squeezing, etc) are called grounding techniques, and they are really useful for when someone's in a dissociative state so if you feel you or someone else in your life might benefit from this, look it up!


End file.
